4am

Summer school - So here I am in ISU, in the summer, and let me tell you it is a ghost town. Heather says that “it feels like camp,” and well I never went to camp so I can’t tell, but I agree with her anyway. It feels…. good. I go to class and see no one, and if I do see someone, they are in class with me. Not like i socialize with people in class anyway. I talk to them, but that’s about it. Guess nothings change... hehe. i'm ok with it. I like myself!

Circle – Gera tells me that I should get out of my comfort circle because there are a lot more things out there. He has a point, but my circle is fine. I have friends but my inner circle (my best friends) is pretty close and pretty tight. I think that I do a good job with the people that are around me. They are proven soldiers in my wars. I have met a bunch of people and its hard to let them in because sometimes I feel like I can’t possible let them in because it’s too tiring, I get tired sometimes. I love my best friends, they fit. They somehow get me. Distance means nothing to Brian and I or Kathryn and I and I love that about us. They above anyone else, because they are proven: I just wish that I have proven myself to them. Two who are true and are my forevers.

I got others in that circle and they are good and fast approaching. Makes me smile.

Best Friends – It’s quiet here. My days don't last as long as I wish they did. I hangout with Heather a lot, but I'm just lucky, she is the only friend-friend I have here. And she is definitely one of the best ones, so that’s always fun. Speaking of hanging out and best friends, Em came to visit me last weekend. It was great to see her even thought we didn’t do anything spectacularly exciting it was a great time. AND speaking of best friends and hanging out and great times Kathryn came to visit me too. On her way back to Quincy, it’s been forever since I’ve seen her, we caught up, went to Denny’s... it was great. I miss her a great deal. It will be the last time I see her before I go back to Taxco, so it will be another great while without her. I have to go soon and make sure I hangout with Brian and see him and Dianne and Asha before I leave. I miss those girls too.

Estoy muy preocupado por mi mama. :-/

Class – I love class. Dr. Hunt is so nice. I hope my paper went well. I just wish classed moved faster, it tends to drag. I am getting crazy inspired and have written a couple poems. Contemporary stuff, more real, as oppose to romantic idealistic things I tend to write. I will be posting them, so stay tuned…
Family is great.

In other news – I have been doing a lot of soul searching. Well, maybe not a lot, but I’ve been definitely thinking about things of late. Prayer is good. And you know what: I feel good about who I am. I know I got a lot of things to work on still, but overall I'm doing pretty good.

Some of my friends are involved in all sorts of drama: Fighting with this person, arguing with this other person, hating this other one. I don’t get it. It seems to me like a lot of wasted energy. To think or feel those things, when you can be living and enjoying your life. You have to just live within your environment, and make it as happy as you can.

Decision - I made one, and it’s a final one too.

Realization – I realize that judging is pretty stupid. I should know this better than anyone because I know how everyone has a secret life no one knows of. You just can’t judge because you don’t know, no matter what you think you know, or what you heard, point is you don’t. No one knows, just the specific person.

People always tell me that I'm confusing and they don’t get me, that I'm complex or whatever; which is true because I think most people are like that. We are complex beings, us humans (Hehe. Sorry that sounded funny, a tad to philosophical for me).Averageness – sucks. The RA asked us to tell the group something we were good at. I couldn’t think of a single thing. Not one. Even if I did, it would feel sorta egocentric to say :in a snotty voice: “Well I good at this...” There is nothing I can think of that I am really good at. (Most things are null ‘cause you need an authority of such thing to let you know if you’re good, like a writing, art, or singing, (i.e. things like that). Then there are other things that you do with others like kissing which you can’t really know because you can’t really kiss yourself. The point of my rambling being that as long as you are ok with that, or if you’re not – you’re then trying to improve yourself… It doesn’t matter.

Jason Mraz Concert

So I went to see Jason Mraz in concert at the Chicago Theater. It reminds me how much I love the city, how much I feel like I belong there, where no one belongs. I think I like the anonymity of the city. No one will care about me there; I am an ant, in this garden. That appeals to me… to be in a garden where I'm not a plant, or some sort of bug, but an anonymous part of it.

The concert was awesome. The first song was called "flying My Guilt Over A Quilt" It’s a new song, and I will have heard it, way before millions of people would. It’s an awesome song, has this trotting guitar rift that just keeps you in pace. Nodding your head, the lyrics are very unusual, very urban and contemporary. He is about to board a plane, and he explains the process... x-ray machine etc. He remembers little things about her that only people that are in love really notice... and he softly sings the chorus…

I'm leaving your town, again / but I'm over the quilt you've been spinning / and I'm up in the air, yeah / but i can see your house from here / ...if the plane goes down / I'll remember where the love was found

The chorus pretty much did it for me, and the concert could have not possibly been bad and it wasn’t. I notice how great his lyrics are, you have to pay attention to them to notice. It’s kind of cool that if his plane would go down, that he would remember that. It seems like some sort of solace to the situation ‘We’ll at least ill die where love was found.’ It’s interesting because I think I would just be in shock that I was going to die.

He told anecdotes, jokes, sang a little opera, a little Spanish. He was funny as hell, and very likeable. The theater was awesome, looked like a church, very intimate, decorated with the different sorts of designs. The acoustics were right on track. It was a good time. I can’t believe everyone past on the opportunity…

Oh and I met him and got an autograph. A celebrity. My first celebrity and all I can think about was how crazy it must feel. To have girls scream your name just because you sing and are on TV. And that’s the only reason girls do it, you can’t tell me that they would do the same if he was just a regular Joe. I just wish i could play the guitar like him... or have a guitar.

My ISU Summer

So this summer I will be in ISU taking a summer class. Then after that I will be going to Taxco, Guerrero to study abroad. That 's in Mexico for those who don't know. I'm not really excited about going to Study abroad to be honest, I feel like I'm going to miss soooooo much back at home. Friends visiting from far away lands, going to Wisconsin, Cubs games, going to the beach, my family, my friends, Brian's house, katy's 21st birthday Heather's 21st birthday and so many other things etc etc.. So I don't really want to go, but I'll do what I have to do. I mean Visiting Mexico was one of my favorite experiences ever, watching a FIFA soccer game live. I'm sure will go to the beach there too, so it won't suck, but I would much rather be here.

So this summer I'll be in ISU, I'll be playing basketball, roller-lading, watching movies, relaxing etc, So it should be great minus the 3 hours of class. HAHA!! I am excited about going there, because I want to settle down somewhere for a little bit, I can't at home because I have to leave in a couple days. What will suck is tthe 7 weeks in Taxco, but only because I will miss my life here. I'll make the best of it.

Stephen Chbosky

Funny and deeply personal, this book to a random hold of me a decade ago, and is yet to let go. Read Me:

The Perks of being a Wallflower

August 25, 1991

Dear friend,
I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn’t try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. Please don't try to figure out who she is because then you might figure out who I am, and I really don't want you to do that. I will call people by different names or generic names because I don't want you to find me. I didn’t enclose a return address for the same reason. I mean nothing bad by this honest.

I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn’t try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.
I think you of all people would understand that because I think you of all people are alive and appreciate what that means. At least I hope you do because other people look at you for strength and friendship and It’s that simple. At least that’s what I’ve heard.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that can be.
I try to think of my family as a reason for me being this way, especially after my friend Michael stopped going to school one day last spring and we heard Mr. Vaughn’s voice on the loudspeaker.

“Boys and girls, I regret to inform you that one of our students has passed on. We will hold a memorial service for Michael Dobson during assembly this Friday.”
I don't know how news travels around school and why it is very often right. Maybe it was in the lunchroom. It’s hard to remember, but Dave with the awkward glasses told us that Michael killed himself. His mom played bridge with one of Michael’s neighbors and they heard the gunshot.

I don't really remember much of what happened after that except that my older brother came to Mr. Vaughn’s office in my middle school and told me to stop crying. Then, he puts his arm on my shoulder and told me to get it out of my system before Dad came home. We then went to eat French friends at McDonald’s and he taught me to play pinball. He even made a joke that because of me he got to skip an afternoon of school and asked me if I wanted to help him work on his Camaro. I guess I was pretty messy because he never let me work oh his Camaro before.

At the guidance counselor sessions, they asked the few of us who actually liked Michael to say a few words. I think they are afraid that some of us would try to kill ourselves or something because they looked very tense and one of them kept touching his beard.

Bridget who is crazy said that sometimes she thought about suicide when commercials came on during TV. She was sincere and this puzzled the guidance counselor. Carl who is nice to everyone said that he felt very sad, but could never kill himself because it is a sin.

This one guidance counselor went through the whole group and finally came to me.
“What do you thing, Charlie?’

What was so strange about this was the fact that I had never met this man because he was a “specialist” and he knew my name even though I wasn’t wearing a name tag like they do in open house. “Well, I think that Michael was a nice guy and I don't understand why he did it. As much as I feel sad, I think that not knowing is what really bothers me.”

I just reread that and it doesn’t sound like how I talk. Especially in that office because I was crying till. I never did stop crying.

The counselor said that he suspected that Michael had “problems at home” and didn’t feel like he had anyone to talk to. That’s why he felt alone and killed himself.
Then, I started screaming at the guidance counselor that Michael could have talked to me. And I started crying even harder. He tried to calm me down by saying that he meant and adult like a teacher or a guidance counselor. But it didn’t work and eventually my brother came by the middle school in his Camaro and picked me up.
For the rest of the school year, the teachers treated me differently and gave me better grades even though I didn’t get any smarter. To tell you the truth. I think I made them all nervous.

Michael’s funeral was strange because his father didn’t cry. And three months later he left Michael’s mom. At least according to Dave at lunchtime. I think about it sometimes. I wonder what went on in Michael’s house around dinner and TV shows. Michael never left a note or at least to his parents didn’t let anyone see it. Maybe it was “problems at home.” I wish I knew. It might make me miss him more clearly. It might have made sad sense.

One thing I do know is that it makes me wonder if I have “problems at home” but it seems to me that a lot of other people have it a lot worse. Like when my sister’s first boyfriend started going around with another girl and my sister cried for the whole weekend.

My dad said, “There are other people who have it a lot worse.”
And my mom was quiet. And that was that. A month later, my sister met another boy and started playing happy records again. And my dad kept working. And my mom kept sweeping. And my brother kept fixing his Camaro. That is, until he left for college at the beginning of summer. He’s playing football for Penn state but he needed the summer to get his grades right to play football

I don't think that there is a favorite kid in our family. There are three of us and I am the youngest. My brother is the oldest. He is a very good football player and likes his car. My sister is very pretty and mean to boys and she is in the middle. I get straight A’s now like my sister and that is why they leave me alone.

My mom cries a lot during TV programs. My dad works a lot and is an honest man. My aunt Helen used to say that my dad was going to be too proud to have a midlife crisis. It took me until around now to understand what she meant by that because he just turned 40 and nothing has changed.

My aunt Helen was my favorite person in the whole world. She was my mom’s sister. She got straight A’s when she was a teenager and she used to give me books to read. My father said that the books were a little too old for me, but I liked them so he just shrugged and let me read.

My aunt Helen lived with the family for the last few years of her life because something very had happened to her. Nobody would tell me what happened then even though I always wanted to know. When I was around seven, I stopped asking about it because I kept asking like kids always do and my aunt Helen started crying very hard.
That’s when my dad slapped me, saying “You’re hurting your Aunt Helen’s feelings!” I didn’t want to do that, so I stopped. Aunt Helen told my father not to hit me in front of her ever again and my father said this was his house and he would do what he wanted and my mom was quiet and so were my brother and sister.

I don't remember much more about than that because I started crying really hard and after a while my dad had my mom take me to my room. It wasn’t until much later that my mom had a few glasses of white wine and told me what happened to her sister. Some people really do have it a lot worse than I do. They really do.

I should probably go to sleep now. It’s very late. I don't know why I wrote a lot of this down for you to read. The reason I wrote this letter is because I start high school tomorrow and I am really afraid of going

Love always, Charlie